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— &; hello fascination.
MSN: kab00m@live.com
E-mail: ShexSaidWHAT— &; the days gone by.
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April 2010 | ||||||||
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— &; here i go again.
disraught
Anywhere But Here; SafetySuit— &; twist in my story.
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WEDNESDAY, APRIL 21, 2010 Nicole loves you, but you need logged in to read this entry. Click here to log in. The story of her life at 5:12 p.m. |
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THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2010  Question of the day: Why? It's an age old question— one that I couldn't stand asking my parents since they'd just give me that aggravating response people loathe to hear: Because I said so. That's besides the point. Barely four months into the year, and it seems like every other week some couple is separating— whether it's in the typical high school scene or on the grounds of divorce. It makes me wonder, especially since mine's been dangling on a tightrope lately, too. We're both trying to catch it and hang on, but sometimes it seems like caring isn't enough— at least for the present. Despite what I hope to continue having, I suppose we'll just have to wait and see, eh? Then again, maybe this is simply life.Even now I still believe that no matter what happens, if you're meant to be, you'll find your way back to each other— even if you end up waiting for years. Mulling over that thought reminds me of this Monday when I watched the last episode of Inuyasha: The Final Act. After seven years of waiting, I have to say that I was satisfied— if the squeals exchanged with Kim weren't convincing enough. SPOILER ALERT: Even if it's taken two years to rejuvenate what I once felt for this series, I have to say point blank that I lovelovelove Inuyasha. Maybe it's because I'm a sucker for evolving relationships that makes me melt into a mesh of pathetic-ness (Sesshoumaru in episode 9 of The Final Act, baha). Going back a few years, I can't believe that I used to watch this when I was 9! Disregarding how I'm now older than Kagome, we've both matured. Everyone has, actually. She's no longer completely helpess and begrudges old flames. Inuyasha slightly more open compassionate than he was 588 manga chapters ago. Crazy, I know. As for Kim and I, we're no longer the 10- and 9-year-olds that "hated" Kikyou simply because she "got" in the way of Inuyasha and Kagome. Ironically, I almost started tearing up after watching her death (for real this time). I could keep going about Inuyasha, but that would probably go on for another couple thousand words. Speaking of which, it's even possessed me to dive into reading fan fiction again in my spare time. I haven't read fan fiction in years— excluding the ones Ginny writes and hauls over to me by means of MSN. Anyways, it's been nice indulging my inner dork, but I'm afraid it won't last long since Spring Quarter and my PYSCH200 class are coming up soon. The story of her life at 4:13 a.m. |
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TUESDAY, MARCH 30, 2010 "Don't be impressed by his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. God does not view things the way men do. People look on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." — 1 Samuel 16:7Anyone that's especially close to me knows that eczema is my Achilles' heel— the knife that cuts through my leche flan (mm, yum). You know those moments where your perspective on life drags and you end up sinking into your insecurity? We've all had those moments. I remember rubbing my arms last night, absently feeling the roughened texture of that joint area of my left arm. I looked down, disappointed by what I saw. Eczema. Disgusting, horrid eczema. Once upon a time I spent my hours wishing I could do this and that: wear t-shirts in public without feeling self-conscious, not stress whenever a formal school dance comes up, and wish for the world postpone the oncoming hot weather. I've long since realized that simple wishes get you nowhere, but I'm still proud to say the fears behind those wishes don't "kill" me as much as they did a few years ago. Am I growing up? Maturing, perhaps? I'd like to think so— even though I couldn't have done it alone and the doubts are still there. I'm not even sure if the people who helped me realize how much their words and actions mean to me to this day. For example, take this one day. It was almost summer, and I remember contentedly enjoying the day with one of my best friends. That day, he'd caught me tugging at my half-sleeved to hide my eczema for the nth time. I couldn't help it. I didn't want him to "think less of me"— whatever that was supposed to mean. Exasperated, he gently grabbed my arm, forcing me to look at him as he said, "You're beautiful, Nicole, and I love all of you— especially this." It was at that moment that he pulled up my sleeve to reveal my scars despite my initial mortification.  That being the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me, along with other things he's said, no wonder I fell for him. On another note, one of my friends found this picture, and I'm still trying to figure out if it's a cake or not. If it is... Staring down at my own iPod Touch, mine is nothing compared to that— at least when it comes to making my stomach want to go, Omnomnomnom. Speaking of which, I've been craving Spam Musubi a lot lately, but we don't have any Spam. A Filipino not having Spam? Despite it's artery-clogging goodness, the thought is absurd, I know.Recap: I've been jumping all over the place topic-wise today, yet I never actually got to talk about what ended up happening over the past twenty-four hours. I think a bug's going around or something since I've been feeling a little under the weather for the past few days, yet I didn't end up falling asleep until around four this morning. I couldn't— not when my friend was telling me about having fallen for me for the past almost three years, trying to be there for me, listening to my careless words, and trying to be happy despite always feeling like "the second guy" or someone that didn't really matter. That's not even half of it. I wish I could've made it better for him, but how could I? To me, he'd stay the "second guy" because there's someone else I care deeply about— and he knows that. That doesn't mean, however, that I don't care and think that he doesn't matter. Does he view me as heartless? That breaks my heart since he does matter to me— a lot as a friend I can trust and depend on. To be honest, I'm surprised why he doesn't hate me— especially after what I've done to him. What's horrible is that some of the things he says I've done, I don't even remember doing. Before I get too deep on that subject, my mom got me to try this new tea she bought. Big mistake. It was lemon and Chinese ginseng flavored. The flavor name should've been a warning in itself. It almost reminded me of the time I accidentally ate loads of garlic; how it tasted was that strong. The story of her life at 1:50 a.m. |
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SUNDAY, MARCH 28, 2010 Resolutions: Blog more. Take more pictures. Record more videos. Appreciate the life God's given me. Relationships, I've realized, can take a very central role in your life if you let them— though in my case, it turned out to be a not-so-bad thing. Take my blog for example. The last time I wrote about anything besides my relationship was last July, and honestly, I'm still busy trying to sort through all of the memories in my head: him, school, family, friends, church, vacation, and other random nonsense. I mean, can you believe it? I'm graduating from high school this year! I'm sure most people go through that phase— where nostalgia kicks you in the gut and makes you think, Wow, time flies. Cue the memories and insert wistful expression here (what?). While we're on the topic of memories, I still remember awkwardly playing Connect Four with Kim in the fourth grade because Mrs. Pacheco ushered her into a game with me— way before we ever became the best friends that we are today. The days are passing me faster than I can firmly grasp them, and all I can do is pocket those memories as I continue making new ones. Of course I miss those days, especially the summer of '08, but nonetheless, I don't regret anything— at least when it comes to my prive life. What I do regret is not achieving a higher grade in my Statistics class. Now that was a disappointing experience. You know that feeling that you get when you try to slam shut a revolving door? The feeling of "impossible"? Struggling in that class felt like that. There are times, too, when I regret not going out more— such as going to more dances, football games, and other typical high school events. I'll admit, though, that I had my own fun attending my own makeshift Homecoming— which turned out to be more magical than the real one my classmates went to. On another note, this week is going to be interesting— what with him being gone, my mom still upset at me, and me needing to seriously make it up to her for lying this past Friday. Knowing how much my parents have done for me, that's the least I can do. Just looking at the $500 camera they got me and thinking about how understanding she's been about my tumultuous emotions burns the guilt stirring inside of me to an overflow. Haha, I mean, I think she's said about five words to me since then. Thinking about it, the thing I should do is grovel at her feet and beg for forgiveness, but unfortunately, I'm like her. We just don't talk to one another until she wants to talk to me.  Recap: Last week actually deviated from my usual schedule! I can only imagine how pathetic that seems to passerby readers. It was a lot of fun, aside from the sobering circumstances. On Wednesday, my friend Tiana and I hauled ourselves over to Applebee's for a much-needed friend date. As per usual, I ordered the Oriental Chicken Salad. I swear that's the best salad I've ever had the pleasuring of eating; the one at this one teriyaki place coming at a close second.Afterwards we slipped into her Lexus (crazy, I know) and proceeded to... Take a deep breath now. It's not that exciting. We started playing our Pokemon games in her car. Haha! The seniors in my school are actually pretty proud of their Pokemon obsessions, and I've caught a faithful few with their Pokewalkers on their belt loops. About an hour passed before she had to kick me out to go home, but in that time span, the guys who parked next to us kept staring. And laughing, I bet. I think they were just jealous of my Typhlosion. Just sayin'. I slept for an hour after that before I spent the next couple hours with someone— all leading up to a bittersweet goodbye. Secretly, I keep hoping that there's still a chance, but I know all too much how things can turn on you when you least expect it. The story of her life at 6:19 p.m. |
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MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 2009 Nicole loves you, but you need logged in to read this entry. Click here to log in. The story of her life at 11:51 a.m. |
